I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*Inspirational Tweets*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
This bar smells like my childhood.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”