I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?