Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

I thought this was funny lol

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no