Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

💻🤡

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Good morning

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.