I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I am all good here, 😂😉
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!