I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson