I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Reminder:
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…