Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

we’re gonna need another temp

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective