Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.