I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
This fish is cracking me up
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice![]()
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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Oh thanks BBC.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.