I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
seems like a niche market
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.