i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Oh my God.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
How dramatic are you?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?