Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

i hope my email finds you on fire

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.