i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees