Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

it was a valiant fight

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo