i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Hoping to spice up my evening
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it