Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*