I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m sorry…what?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals