I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
The internet is full of many things
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”