Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are