Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise