Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers