I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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in the ocean
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
R.I.P.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]