Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.