I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.