I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You Might Also Like
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
#Thanos #MondayMood
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.