[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?