Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.