I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes