I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”