I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
