I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭