I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012