I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder