I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?