I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
go easy on yourself <3
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Planet of the Apps.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?