I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
We will use anything but the metric system
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.