Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

😭😭😭

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?