Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.