Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.