I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.