I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
You Might Also Like
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”