I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes