Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.