I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”