Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

“HELP WITH CAT”

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!