Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour