I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
They got Raph!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭