Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

dream blunt rotation

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded