I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
saw this in a dream
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Fun Things
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it