Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Hank is one in a melon.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

also my go-to takeaway order

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families