I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m the neighbor
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Dune (2021)
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.