I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
mood
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”