Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

seems like a niche market

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business