Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

🤣😂🤣😂

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.