Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

where do you see yourself in five years?

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!