Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

No, I don’t think I will.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

The hardest thing Vision has to do

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.