Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?