I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance