I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me