I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
yeah 😭
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.