I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Plant care tips
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
#Caturday
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
*puts my mental health in rice
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”