My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Breaking news:
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost