I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Breaking news:
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
How it started How it’s going
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.