Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Canadian owl: Eh?

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

couldn’t resist

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.