I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
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Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
bears
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Lol.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
i choose….tongue
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”
Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]
Husband: [both eyes pop open]
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
went fishing caught a bass
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐