Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.