I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You Might Also Like
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.