Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Guys, I found it.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?