I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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me irl
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.