I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You Might Also Like
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
BETRAYAL
