I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?