I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop