Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.